Hey there! Recently I wrote about Central Bank Digital Currencies, exchange-traded funds, terms of services written by crypto exchanges. All extremely boring stuff most people don’t care about, basically.
Well, I say it is time to get back to what brought me to the dance – relatable, educational, somewhat controversial and hopefully entertaining pieces about how crypto influences our everyday life. In the past I have theorized that getting your kids hooked on crypto is a mighty good idea, and today I have something even better… Today I’ll be your guide in protecting your assets in divorce procedures!
You heard me right, people. We will learn how to obscure our riches from our formerly loved ones turned gold diggers using some blockchain magic. Get ready for some real knowledge bombs! This article would be a hit among those of you who were led astray by a partner, not someone who’s blissfully happy in marriage and worships their wifey/husby and the ground they walk on.
So, if you’re 100% sure that your partner is with you because you’re pretty cool and not because you’re loaded to the gills – get the hell out of here, this waterfall of wisdom is not for you.
This article is for dudes like Tiger Woods, who has a 1 billion net worth, acts like a horny dog, and loses a hundred mil to a scandinavian babysitter.
Why Do People Share Money and Assets During Divorce?
For those of you who are not well educated about the intricacies of a martial split, let’s get through the basics first.
The sharing of assets during a divorce is typically based on the principles of fairness, equity, and the legal concept of property division. Yeah, stop laughing. Different jurisdictions have different laws governing how marital property is divided during a divorce, but generally the totally rich person gets bamboozled by an opportunistic love interest and then hits the bottle, ruing the day they thought getting married was a good idea.
Sadly, the divorce machine favors one party over the other, and some people see the opportunity in that. Here we are talking about the type of partner who is able to live ok on a fraction of what the partner makes, but because they know about the fortunes, they’ll try to get as much as they can.
Marriage is often considered an economic partnership, where both partners contribute to the financial well-being of the household.
Thus, the assets accumulated during the marriage are viewed as joint efforts and might get split evenly even if someone is wageslaving for 12 hours a day when their dear partner was chilling in a spa, or if someone has married an already rich person, contributing zero dimes to the family kitty. How is that fair?
Welp… That one spouse has a significantly lower earning potential, so the division of assets and financial support is the only way for them to maintain their standard of living after the divorce. We’re talking about critical emotional damage here too, real stuff.
Now that we better understand why the split of funds and assets happens, and agree that it often results in a psychological meltdown for at least one person, let’s learn what can be done about it.
Choose Crypto To Master Financial Infidelity
You saw the word ‘crypto’ in the title, so you have a good idea of where this is going.
While hiding money from the partner can be viewed as morally wrong, sneaky, disgusting, terrible, horrible, no good, very bad practice, let’s be honest, this phenomena exists for a reason. And let me tell you, doing that with the help of crypto is more practical than opening a separate bank account, keeping an underground vault or stashing the cash under the toilet seat.
Crypto hideouts are especially effective if your spouse looks at the Ledger and thinks it’s a flash drive or maybe even an electronic cigarette. It can be somewhat easy to hide assets if you’re tech savvy and your love of life isn’t…
Another good reason – the dinosaurs in the courtroom who will oversee the papers are still living under a rock and for them crypto assets are harder to understand than something ‘normal’ and centralized like a bank. The law simply can’t keep up, they’re too busy flicking through their papers. Amateur hour…
Finally, if you come out to your partner as a crypto advocate who runs a node, has the picture of Satoshi under the love nest or has an extensive collection of aesthetically disgusting non-fungible tokens, hey, maybe they will just think that you’re a total loser and just leave you thinking there’s nothing valuable to your name. It can be a kick in the nads for your ego, but if it works – it works, dammit.
But there’s a caveat! Just converting to be a cryptohead ain’t going to cut it.
If you get yourself someone who’s hellbent on getting half of the bag, they will hire someone nerdy enough to understand where you’re keeping your treasures and how much they’re worth. Let’s talk about that!
Forensic Investigators and Divorce Attorneys Hate These Tricks
The good thing about cryptocurrency is that it’s not regulated, so usually you can’t subpoena somebody and get documents and information related to somebody’s holdings.
While crypto itself is unregulated, guess who has your personal info, knows how much you’re HODLing and fully cooperates with the law enforcement agencies? Centralized crypto exchanges. These companies keep records on your just like your broker at Morgan Stanley would keep records of your trades.
Of course, it all depends on your location.
If your funds are transferred to a global account, the snooping doggy will be unable to subpoena records since the funds are in an untouchable jurisdiction. So choosing an exchange from a foreign country that is not subject to the laws and jurisdiction of your homeland is a ‘go to’ move. Still, I would advise not keeping all your eggs in one basket, as that would make the analysis easy for the investigators.
Chucking it on the cold wallet is not a good strategy either, as on-chain analysis is still possible. It may be hard to cease your stuff, but blockchain never forgets what you sent, when and where. So make those ‘investigators’ work for their buck!
Here are some ways to make their assignment a ‘mission impossible’:
- Hop across blockchains. Since there’s hundreds and hundreds of coins out there on their own little independent blockchains, you need to take advantage and diversify your portfolio. Investigators are bad at chasing people, they’re not trained to do that.
- Explore privacy tokens. Monero, Dash and Zcash, which operate on their own blockchains, disguise practically all transaction details, making it “virtually impossible” to trace and de-anonymize transactions. But there’s a downside… owning some of those coins will alert ‘the bigger fish’, who would be dead certain that you’re a drug dealer and a shady fella who hides a little too much. Then you have much bigger troubles to worry about.
- Sink your assets into Metaverse properties. Nobody takes the Metaverse seriously, and nob
ody will look into it expecting to find something worthwhile. They think it’s not real, that it is not actual property, that Metaverse clothing is free. Take advantage of their ignorance! - Stake your tokens, throw them into a pool. Mixers can be good at obscuring trails of your funds by blending them with a pool of other individuals’ assets on the platform. They go beyond traditional crypto platforms in further concealing the identity of the people involved. Some stakings lock your tokens, which is even better!
- Buy some NFTs. NFTs are driving everybody mad, but especially the court monkeys. Having NFTs to your name forces them to look for real experts to value the artworks, which is the obligation for a court of law. The process requires more peer reviews, articles, and a lot of community acceptance, which is challenging when we talk about NFTs. It’s a shame you will pay for legal fees though.
- Lose it all just to spite everyone! Go broke, and nobody will waste their time on you ever. The best and easiest way to make sure you’re not taken advantage of is to become a bum.
So yeah, this is the way.
I hope you will never need to actually use these tricks. I wish that you will experience an extremely prolonged marriage with your loved one. I want you to be happy in life no matter what!
…
Yeah, divorce is forever. Nobody says ‘oh no, my divorce is falling apart’ and hey, some of the most successful people in the world go through it a few times, so it must be great.
Can’t knock it if you don’t try it, right?
I think this article is a good litmus test though. If this work of satire makes you bewildered, shocked or offended, I don’t know how you’re enduring real life marriage. Ease up and stay loyal!